Readings and Resources

I recently had a client ask me for a list of the best books about sex and relationships. So here’s what I came up with.

Come As You Are by Nagoski

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Levine and Heller

Mating in Captivity by Perel

Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Brotto

The Passionate Marriage by Schnarch

All About Love by hooks

Pleasure Activism by Brown

The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman

Sexual Intelligence by Klein

F*ck Feelings by Bennett

There are a ton more out there, but these are some good ones to get you started.

A Daily Pleasure Practice

Prioritizing pleasure is something that I think we can all use in our busy modern world. The first step is deciding that you are deserving of pleasure, and that you are going to make it an important priority. This exercise will take five minutes every day, which is not a lot, considering how much time a lot of people spend on social media.

 Finding five minutes during your day is the first challenge. It doesn’t matter when this five minutes happens, although it might be easiest to build it in the morning, since most of us have a morning routine anyway.

 The next challenge is figuring out what the pleasurable activity will be. It could be anything that engages your sensory self. I like to use the example of peeling and eating a clementine orange, since it does use all five senses: you hold the orange and peel it with your fingers, and you can see and smell the orange, and you can even hear the peel coming away from the flesh of the fruit, and then you taste the slice that you pop into your mouth.

Other examples of this pleasure practice might be: dancing to a song, singing along with a song, brushing your teeth in a slow, measured, massaging kind of way, putting oil or lotion on your skin in a sensual way, masturbating, brewing a pot of coffee or tea and noticing the sensual aspects of the steps, eating your breakfast in a slower and intentional way, or stretching your body in a way that feels really good. It hardly matters what you choose, as long as it engages your senses and it feels great, and you devote a full five minutes to it.

What effect will this have on you? It might set you up for having a good day. It might remind you that you are a human and that you deserve pleasure. It might show you that your body is an instrument of pleasure, something that we often forget. It might tell you that you have control over your life and how you spend your time. There’s really no downside. It can be part of your self care.

Talking as Foreplay (also known as Consent)

One of my clients was bemoaning the current state of affairs, saying that all the fun has been drained out of sex. Negotiating consent sounds boring, tedious, and it takes the spontaneity right out of it, they said.

This might be true for some people, but for others, it’s simply false.

When HIV became a threat, people were forced to change their behavior in order to be safer. Condoms and dental dams were talked about, given out, and health providers encouraged their use.

Well, this is similar. Consent will now be talked about more and everyone should become literate in how to understand it. People will change their behavior again in order to be safer. We're not talking about avoiding illness, we're talking about avoiding humiliation. damage to relationships, and loss of employment.

There’s been a lot of talk lately about people in power not getting consent and harassing people. I’d like to focus today on how to incorporate consent in a sexy and fun way. Consent is understanding when someone is telling you “No,” but it’s also about understanding when someone is telling you “Yes.”

How can folks do this? Here are a few ideas:

1. Talk about it before it’s happening in a creative way. Let’s say you’re on a first or second or 98th date with someone you find attractive. You’re sitting across from each other and the mood is flirty and fun, and you think to yourself, “I want to kiss them.” Then you can TELL THEM: “I really would like to kiss you right now.” Their reaction will help you understand whether or not they are into that idea. If they respond by kissing you, or grinning and saying, “Oh really?” or showing interest in some other way, then you’re on your way. If they recoil with a look of uncertainty, then you can assume that they are not into it.

2. Text about it. If you think that your hookup might happen, and you’re not sure, you can text or sext them. “Hey, I’m thinking about the last time we met up,” or “I miss touching you,” or “I want to touch you again” all show interest and are up-front about intentions.  

3. In the moment it is possible to incorporate consent into foreplay. I know that some people will say that they’re not good with words, or they’re not really into verbal, but this is where the learning happens. It’s important to make changes when there’s a lot at stake. And who doesn’t enjoy the feeling of being wanted by a partner? So: ask if they want your kiss, your touch, your skin. If you are getting into it with your potential sex buddy, and murmuring these things in their ear, it will be hot. Here are some examples:

“Do you like it when I do that?”

“How much do you want it?”

“It feels good when you do that thing, would you do that?”

“Can I take your shirt off?”

“Would you take my shirt off?”

“Is it ok if I touch you there?”

“Does that feel good? Should we change it?”

“I want to feel your mouth on me – would you please lick/suck/kiss me?”

“Can we try something else? Like this?”

“Tell me what you want.”

“Give me more.”

Do you see that some of these are asking to take and some are asking to receive? Consent that is freely given and encouraged – the enthusiastic yes - is what we’re all going for here.

And, you should look to their reactions! Are they looking bored? Like they want to get out of there? Not into it? Then stop and take a breather. Partnered sex is about mutuality. If it’s not mutual, then something’s not right. Tailor your actions to your partner’s response. Be attuned.

This will feel weird to folks who are not into talking that much, but just like learning any new skill, it will become easier with practice and time. And I believe that this skill is now essential in order to improve our culture.

I predict that in a few years, more and more people will become experts in talking dirty in order to understand our partners better.

How to be more in your body and less in your head

            I recently had a client complain that she often has a very difficult time quieting all the noise in her mind, and being able to focus on pleasure. Even during pleasurable moments, she’s got the hamster wheel going – how much laundry is left? Did I finish the report for work? What’s on the agenda for tomorrow? What about that one thing that I might have forgotten?

            Sound familiar? We all have stress in our lives. It can definitely derail us from even wanting to want to be sexual with ourselves or our partners.

            I have two strategies – one passive and one active.

            Passive first – this is about quieting down and settling in. It’s meditation, really, although it can take many forms. Find a place where you can be alone for 5 or 10 minutes. Sit up comfortably, and take a few deep breaths. When your breathing returns to normal, then settle in more. Ask yourself, how’s my mind? How’s my heart? How’s my body? What am I thinking, feeling, holding? How’s my neck and my jaw? Are my shoulders relaxed? Am I clenching my hands? Then take another breath, and try to relax and release more.

            Meditating in this way will train your brain to consider how you are actually doing in the moment, not just reacting and flying from one thing to the next. If you get really good at it, you’ll be able to relax easier and react less intensely to stress.

            Now for the active strategy – this is about actually giving your brain something else to do during the pleasurable moment when you are distracted. Any small kinky thing will help free your mind in this way. Here are a few good examples: holding a wooden spoon in your teeth, wearing a blindfold, getting pinched, spanked or flogged. The use of something new will make your brain say, “What’s this? This is interesting, and distracting! It’s a bit uncomfortable, and yet it’s making me focus on it a lot! I’m having conflicting reactions!” And so on. This will help you focus what is actually happening in your body in a very intense way.

            If you should try either of these strategies out with a partner, please discuss them beforehand and try to come to an agreement about boundaries and limits. Consent is the sexiest.